Finding my voice

I thought my journey would not begin until after I left the states
But no matter where I am or where I go
I can never get away from myself
I just spent some of the most loneliest days of my life

All because I cannot express myself
I have never been able to express my feelings
for a long time i had no feelings or emotions
I used to be very defensive
I was so bad I could not remember what I said
I was just on autopilot

I hold everything in
I want to speak
but i cannot find the words
they do not form
they get trapped inside of me
i do not even know what to say
or how to say it
It is so bad that it actually hurts me physically
it is like a small metal spiky ball that gets lodged in the back of my throat
all the words i ever wanted to say
all the feelings i have never been able to express
Trapped in my body

My inability to speak up for myself allows people to miss treat me
It gives them power over me
It breaks my spirit and drives me even further into a downward spiralling abyss of silence

I matter
I am important.
I am filled with love and light.
I am enough.

I love myself and I am filled with God's love
That is enough....

Few days ago when I started this post I was with someone that had power over me.
Because I empowered him
I gave him all this power over me
All because I could not say NO
No you cannot treat me this way
No I deserve respect
NO

I just gave in without a fight
What does that say about me ?

Last weekend in NYC

Everything happened so fast
Too fast
It started last Sunday
That is when I officially started to unravel
I did not go to work that day
or the next day and the day after that
I think I quit.....
All I know is that I haven't been back since.

I just sat on the couch
I think I had finally hit the peak of my depression

On Wednesday I went to the movies with my best friend A
As I sat there I finally realized what I was to afraid to do
What I should have done in January after I lost my job
I was finally ready
It was time for me to leave.
As we were leaving the theater I told her "I'm leaving"

We went into the book store
Got my South America travel guide
I was up all night reading it
Booked my flight on Thursday
I am leaving Tuesday
I cashed in my miles
First stop Tampa
to say goodbye to friends
Then in nine days I will begin in Ecuador

I feel normal
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I am happy

Didn't realize it until half way through Saturday night that,
that would be my last weekend in NYC
I love my city
This is my home!

Went out with a bang I danced my ass off until 4am
Had tacos at the stand by my house and stayed up with friends til 8am
Got up at 2pm and said goodbye to two of my best friends.
Then it was back to the city
Had my last night at the seaport
And one last midnight ride to the beach