Cali

Inner court yard of  El museo Arqueologico 

After a quick cab ride to the
Very safe San Antonio part of town
I settled in nicely at "Casa Café"
Got a private room for $25,000 pesos. No mirrors.
But had several lounge areas, a hammock, kitchen and two shared bathrooms and WiFi.
Also back to no TV.
But a great book exchange.

I managed almost no TV since I left the States. Except for those ten days in Tenguel were I had nothing to do except watch endless amount of
Películas en TNT español.

View from La Casa Cafe

I for the most part have been
out. Or just had no access.
Like did you guys know that the Olympics
had started.
Missed Wimbledon and Katie
Holmes is now divorcing Tom Cruise! No reality
TV, just my reality life. Also heard about the two mass shootings
All my info now comes through Facebook.

After a not exactly HOT shower
I was refreshed and hungry.
So off I went completely clueless
but guide book in hand.
Cali is considered the Salsa capitol of the world.
It is also well know for having over 1,700+ assassins
for hire.

After wondering around a bit I found the market area of the city
I managed a buñuelo which I normally
love but half way through, it was just to
greasy and on the verge of going stale
washed it down with a Colombia for under $3,000 pesos
and I finally ended my months long search for a yellow
highlighter $1,000 pesos (I honestly have not really been
searching just occasionally glancing around for one ).
Everywhere I looked I could not help
feeling disgusted at the amount of deep fried food
available everywhere. Everything is fried and monochromatic
tan.

I miss Wendy's, heck at this point even McDonald's
would be most welcome. I would give anything for a
brick oven pizza. Loads of Dunkin Donuts around
but I am not that desperate yet.

After wondering around some more aimlessly
I found Iglesia de la Merced and the adjacent
Arqueológico museum. It is a mid 16th century church.
The best part was the court yard and the impressive tree outside
Visited another half dozen churches
All old and boring

I did enjoy walking in the park along side
El Rio Cali, that is the best part of Cali.
As night fell the weather finally got cooler
Popped in for a mani pedi $17,000 pesos
Could of gotten it for $10,000 but they lacked AC.

Walking back was scary scary
Night had fully fallen and no one was out
The few people that were out were Men.
No women. It was only 7PM! Never been more glad to
be back in the safety of my room. I am learning to trust my
sense of direction more.

Got invited to a salsa club

I got lucky the next day was a national holiday
so everyone was going out to party.
Went to the Tin Tin Decco club $10,000 pesos to get in
But it's consumable which equals to about 4 beers.
Had my first salsa lesson. Figured out the two basic step
still haven't master el pasito calieno. But I must
of been doing good, got asked out to dance twice!

I wore my teal green flapper dress. It was meant
to be shaken. I will have to invest in a small pair of heels.
Several shots of rum later we were off
It was 2:30am the clubs close at 3am.
We were going to another club were the rules are not
as regulated.

We went to Las Brisas de Jamundi
That place was something else. Everyone oozed money.
My perfect gravity defying tits and ass never stood a chance
and I am a 36DD

I clearly have too many pesky ribs!
I clearly could not compete.
Cali is also known for its renowned cheap plastic surgery.

Several shots later a beautiful specimen of a man
With dark chocolate colored skin came up to me.
Started telling me he was from Texas
Anything I wanted no problem
Showing off his $2300 sneakers, Versace jeans
Louis Vuitton belt and last seasons Hugo boss sweater.
I was not impressed.

But then he told me about his wife from Ontario
I lost total interest at that point. But my favorite part was
When he started rattling off a long list of drugs
he could get me. The only one I recognize was marijuana.
Turns out he was previously talking to someone else in my group
He told her "tengo armas" among other things
Clearly this tactic must work wonders on foreign girls. 
I decided to pass up my opportunity to shack up with a
wanna be narco in the ritzy part of town.

On the way out actual narcos on horses.
You know God I was just kidding when
I said I wanted a wealthy narco boyfriend....I think.....

Apparently there is a narco farm nearby.
Everyone else had cool cars.
Those poor mustangs looked anorexic.
You figured with all that drug money they could afford some hay

Got in near 5 am 7 of us squeezed into the worlds tiniest taxi
Passed out in bed naked, must remember to eat before
consuming two bottles of rum next time

I do not believe I will be returning to Cali anytime soon
The people were very nice to me, but it just felt
odd. Like something was not right. Just not a good vibe.

Longing

The sunsets early in this part of the world.
I long for those long summer days
Where the sun seems to never set

But alas I am in perpetual winter
Where it is night by 6PM.

I miss my midnight picnics in the park
By the lake getting drunk on wine
And cheese as the moon ripples over the water

I miss my stars and moon
I feel lost among this alien sea of constellations
And moon less sky.

I miss being kissed
I missed being held
And holding hands.

I miss food
Getting gelato at 2am
Gorging myself on duck and oysters
Bubble tea and Vietnamese sandwiches
Procuitto covered grapes
And rare meat.

I hate rice.

I miss going places alone
And not feeling alienated for being on my own
Because I am a woman.

I miss dating

I miss you.

I long for you
Am I meant to be alone...

I am actually proud of myself.
Wondering around on my own
Through foreign lands
Pushing myself to try new things.

Trying to figure out who I am
Trying to figure out my life path
Do I need a life path?
What do I want out of this life?
As a child I never knew what to say
when people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up
I did not know
I still do not know

I guess I just have to keep on moving

But I enjoy standing still

Border Crossing

After spending a week back
in Guayaquil I decided to head north to
Colombia. I left on the 11PM bus
heading to Tulcán.
About a 13 hour bus ride.

No one sat next to me so I
managed to sprawl out and sleep
the majority of the way to Quitó

Quitó was cold
but luckily I had my new
cream colored alpaca shawl to
keep me cozy and warm.

I realised we hit 3700m above sea level
when I instinctively started mouth
are breathing and my chest felt funny.
This is the part where my ears started
popping and my mild cold started
waging a war campaign

Made it to Tulcán on a beautifully warm sunny
day. Got in at 12:30PM. Took a $3.50 cab ride
to the boarder. They had a huge 3+hour wait
line that wrapped around the building. Luckily I found out
I only had a 10min wait to exit the country. Got both
passports stamped and I was on my way.

Crossed the street, over the bridge and poof
I was in Colombia, and I managed to cross over
during the day like I wanted.
No wait to get my entry stamp.
Saved the $38 by using my Ecuadorian passport
and the immigrant officials gave me his number...

It was too easy. I thought it would
be harder or more complicated
El Farc or Guerrilla was not waiting for me.
No one raped or murdered me. For my first overland
boarder crossing it was pretty cool (crossing
into Canada does not count).

$1,700 peso cab ride later I was in Ipiales
got on the first bus leaving in 10min to Cali.
That cost me another $40,000 pesos. Either I just
dropped a small fortune or I am getting amazing deal.

That bus ride was torturous!
It only got colder and colder. We hit higher elevations
My ears were kaput. I was feverish, deaf and dying.

A poor girl had her bag stolen from her seat at
a terminal bus stop in Paso. We were resting for 20min
almost everyone had gotten off. I was too sleep to move
Noticed to guys in black jackets sitting in
front of me. Then one guy moved across from me
Then he moved again behind me.
We smiled.
I got up to close the two windows across from me.
That couple had also left their bag on their seat.
Everyone did. Then both guys got up and left.
Apparently they had boarded when everyone else
got off. No one check to see if they
had a ticket. Poor girl said her university
tuition was in her bag.

As night fell we started stopping more.
I was oblivious in my mucous infested haze.
I did notice at one rest stop armed military guards.
Normally armed guards in Ecuador do not
faze me. The mall has a small army of heavily
armed guards. They can launch a small war
perhaps with the neighbouring mall...
But these guards were military. That I have not
seen in Ecuador. Even in el Oriente were you stop
for control check points (due to Colombian drug trafficking)
they use regular police for that. I found it especially odd
at a gas station.

At this point I had not eaten since 7PM
the previous day when my cousin S took
me out for grilled pork chops. I got off
the bus grabbed a bag of chips, a Colombian and
the worlds biggest aspirin for under $3,000 pesos.
This is the point where I discovered I was
also mute. Apparently you need to hear in
order to talk.

Back on the hell mobile we had a few more
mini stops and then a really long one.
About an hour away from Popayán we stopped
again. For over an hour. This is when I got
off the bus to stretch my legs. My L5 was killing me
I had previously herniated it back in '09 and it had
had enough. Besides it had suddenly turned
Very hot and balmy. I needed air.

It turns out we had been during "caravans" .
Us and another 5 buses. Turns out over the last
two months there has been an increase
in guerilla activity from Ipiales to Popayán.
They have been robbing night buses (So much
for crossing over during the day). Apparently when
they rob a bus they make all the men get off and
are most ungentile towards the ladies left behind.

So we are left to wait on the side of a road
at designated spots. The drivers make sure
the right amount of buses turn up and then
we wait for the police to come by giving the all
clear. I had not noticed before because
we had only been stopping for a few minutes
and besides I was much more concern with sleep.
This time the wait was over an hour.
It was a beautiful moonless night, along
a country road.

About 3 more hours on the hell
mobile I made it to Cali. Got in at 2am.
Should have been midnight...
Once we passed Popayán we just sailed right through.
I should not have anymore road issues for the rest of my trip.

I was done.
Checked into a motel
near the bus terminal. No WiFi but for
$35,000 pesos I had cable, itchy sheets and a
mirror over my bed. It was clean.
Turned on Spanish TNT and I passed out with my
cloths and the lights on. I recall my seductive self
looking down at me as my lucid dreams began.

Woke up refreshed around 11am just in time for the movie
I had seen before but cannot recall now began.
I was a hot sexy mess. Sprawled out languidly
on the bed. Turns out there were a lot more mirrors.

My fever had broken. But I was like a 20 year chain smoking
addict with a gross hacking cough. Spent the next two hours
memorized by the amount of mucous coming out of my
tiny little head. I believe it was my brain
clearly melting out of my noise.

Halfway through the "La Grujula Dorada"
I was ready to move on. It was 2PM and hot
91 degrees hot. I noticed I had spent my first night in
Colombia at the "Hard Rock" as in cafe motel.

Mindo

Mindo Garden 

Took the two and a half hour bus ride to the cloud forest of Mindo.
It tops off at 4700m above sea level.

Its beautiful
All lush and green.
Very very rural, peaceful

View from Hostal El Rocio 

Stayed en el hostal "El Rocío" por
$10 a night. It has a lovely garden
with a lagoon and big barbeque area
ideal for late night bon fires.
The owner is super nice.
Bit of a character, but in a good way.
Owns 8 dogs mostly rescues.
For the amount of pets the place was very clean and fur free. If dogs are not your  thing, they leave you alone if you ignore them.
But they love to bark at you like
some common thief sneaking in every
time you come in. Not much good as guards
because once you close the gate behind you they drop
down for naps.

Man on horseback

I visited the "Mariposas de Mindo"
It is a 4km walk in the blazing sun
They raise different species of butterflies
and then release most of them out to the wild.
Bit over priced for $5, but I did get to see
a few butterflies being born
They come out all big, wet and swollen.
Takes them about 4 to 5 hours to dry out
Then they take off.

Had loads of them land all over me.
On the way out there is a sign.....
"No repellent" .....oops!

One of Las Cascadas de Nambillo

2km further up is "Mindo Garden".
That is a beautiful spot, ideal for watching
Several different kinds of humming birds and butterflies
while enjoying slightly over priced beers.

My favorite was "El Santuario"
And "Cascadas de Nambillo"
It's $5 for the "Tarabita de Mindo"
Which is a 530meter cable car over a huge
ravine. Moves a lot faster than "El TeliferiqO"
in Quito but for some reason a lot less scarier
Even though it looks rusted.
Once you get to the other side
you begin the hike to the waterfalls.

There are at least 9 that are easy hikes
But I believe there are over 15 cascades.
The first and over crowded one is Nambillo
Then you follow t h e trail back up to the other 7 waterfalls that
make up "El Santuario".
Heard beautiful birds. All the birds in the area
Are endemic. Saw toucans and humming birds
It's a great work out.
Very tranquil and had almost the entire
trail to myself. Stopping at each fall to cool off in
the pristine white, turquoise blue water.
HUGE mosquitos!

My little friend accompanied me on my hike

Had a beautiful butterfly land on me
on the way down. It landed
on my right forearm and stayed for the
entire trek back down.
Even when I slipped and my heart
was pounding out of my chest, it held on.
Had another on try to french me. I shook it off on
instinct.

The 9th waterfall is "La Reina" .
It is at least an hour hike there.
I missed it because I wanted to head out
and did not want to miss the bus.
Only thing I regret is not doing
the canopy ride for $12 with the Costa Rican
"Mindo Canopy Adventure".  13 zip lines and
2500meters.

There is another canopy company
but they are not safe. Someone died there a few weeks ago
and loads of unreported injuries. Unfortunately the unsafe
people are expanding into the Amazon and Galapagos.
There lines are not nearly as thick as they should be
And the line that snapped was rusted all the way through.

Left after three days. If I had not
I would still be there on a hammock

Trekking in Ecuador by Kunstaetter, Robert/ Kunstaetter, Daisy/ Box, B (Google Affiliate Ad)

Me....

I have been out of the country for two months now.
Done a lot.
But not enough.

Still trying to figure out what it is that
I want out of life.
What do I need?
And what do I need to do to get there....

For the first time in my entire life
I am happy
I feel young
carefree
not lonely.

It's just me.

       
I am getting ready to head up the coast again
This time I am going to Colombia
I miss being in the valley of volcanoes
But the call of the ocean is too much for me to resist.
Besides I want to try and capture
some of the images I lost along the way.

I have freckles scattered across my nose now.
Always wanted freckles.....
They make me happy.

I keep wondering if I will ever be with someone.
Everyone seems to be paired up
except me.

Will that ever happen for me?

Do I even want that?

Miss holding hands
Kissing
Just laying in bed all day doing nothing
but making love and the crossword.

Am I meant to have a happily ever after? 

I rather be a me than a we if it means settling

I want the fairy tail
Or do I?....

I just need to keep moving.

Lots of guys hit on me
But basically if they are my age
they are already married, with kids and a girlfriend.
I am not looking for that,
be awful to allow myself to be lied too.

I just want honesty.
I have to learn to be honest with myself
first.

One of my dearest friend's said "You are
brave it is a quality that makes you attractive".

In reality I am terrified of everything,
everyone, including myself.

Fear is the devil.

I will conquer my fears.
I rather face them myself
than to die a thousand deaths.

I am slow and overly cautious.

But I rather make it to the mountain top
at my snail pace than not make it at all.
I am learning that not everything is a race.
I don't have to be the first one to the top
I just have to make it eventually
and stopping for the view every once in awhile
while finally being in the moment
feeling the air going in and out of my lungs
and into my bloodstream,
while the sun kisses my skin and
the wind carries my hair
is pure bliss
It sets my soul ablaze
It brings me in communion with God.
It brings me peace. 

I just have to trust that I am in control
of my destiny and if I keep working on bettering
myself, physically, mentally, emotionally and
intellectually, then it will happen for me.

One day

Quilotoa

Laguna de Quilotoa

Home at two am this morning
Drunk...
Over slept, my tour was supposed to start at 7am
They came and got me at my hotel.
Wish they had left without me.

                                                Live stock at the market of Saquisili

Went to the Saquisilí market.
Its considered the countries biggest and most important market
They sell animals, grain, textiles, fruits, fish, etc. Anything you would want or need can be found here.
It is still very traditionally indigenous. They come down from the hills
around 4am. Before they had pick up trucks they used start walking down from the surrounding hills
around 1am to be at the market by 5am. Its all over before noon.
The animal market ends around 9am.

It is also crawling with thieves.
All the markets are.
If you decide to go to one take nothing,
make sure nothing is in your pockets
And carry your bag in the front
Had my broken camera stolen with all my images of the past two months
Along with my chap stick...
Didn't feel a thing.
Having someone cut you off from your group is the most common way.
One person cuts you off someone else bumps into you
from behind. Poof your stuff is gone. Takes half a second.
It was a beautiful clear day
Terribly windy, so strong it was hard to stand up right
We were on the road called Latacunga Cevedo
Amazing view of the páramos on either side
Everything is golden because it is harvest time
They grow broccoli up to four times a year
It all gets exported to the US.
Potatoes is a main staple in the Andean diet.
The still live very traditionally like they had for generations.
The worst thing is when they go off to school
in the city because very few ever return home.

Girl running through the paramo

We stopped by Tigua.
Tigua is an artisan town. For the past 40years it has dedicated it
self to the arts. Their work is sold throughout the country
Some artist have even reached international acclaim.
In Tigua I learned about the legend of the Cóndor
The Cóndor is found in all the traditional paintings.

"A shepherdess was very sad and lonely.
She would go out and care for her sheep over the páramos
When one day a boy appeared dressed in white scarf,white pants
and a red poncho. "He was the Cóndor.
He approached her and would help her heard her sheep.
With the passing of time
she would invite him to walk around la Laguna Quilotoa
But one day while heading the sheep,
he took her far away. The girl had two dogs Azucena and
Amapola. They took the the sheep back to her parents
and told them what happened. That the Cóndor had kidnapped
the girl and took her to a place called CONDOR MATZI.
The family went off to eschew her.
The found her in a very high cave. They managed
to get her down with some rope. They locked her in her room.
She was so sad. She managed to make smoke signals.
The Cóndor saw the smoke and went to her window.
He took her far far way. In a few days she too turned into a cóndor
and they lived happly ever after".

I was not enjoying any of these places
I was only thinking of my lost images
Each one would flash in my mind
So vividly reminding me of what I will never be
able to recapture.

After more sweeping views and going up and down the Andes
We finally reach Quilotoa.
Quilotoa is a water-filled caldera about two miles wide
It is beautiful. Soft turquoise water with the twin Illinizas in the back
ground. Only the south Illiniza has a snow cap.

As you go down the path to the base of the crater
it feels like Greece with the white winding cliffs.
and mules bringing tourist up from the lagoon.

The soft white volcanic sand and the slight steep decline
made the going a little hazardous, but the
only thing that was really in danger was my ego
hate to make it down sliding on my ass.

My "horse"

As you get closer to the water you can see lots of tiny bubbles coming up to the surface. The water is sulfuric and also has a very high salt concentration. Legend had it that it used to be connected to the ocean.The water is nice and cool. Some areas around the crater are thermal.

I took the "horse" ride back up the crater $8.
I have never ridden a horse.
Technically I still haven't.
I was terrified.
Had trouble getting on the poor beast.
Then it started moving. I almost chickened out.
My heart was pounding out of my chest.
I must of had ten minor heart attacks!
Just as I finally figure out how to hold on to the
saddle they coil the rope into reins and hand it to me!
Of course the poor thing has to just walk up on the very precipice of the cliff. (Did I mention my fear of heights) and the Andean boy who was trailing behind kept pulling his tail and hitting him with a stick not helping at all. I felt like I was going to slip off the sides. It sure felt nothing like a carousel.
After a while I started to get the hang of it.
I started to enjoy the view winding back up.
Except when we were on the very edge then I just looked away.
It is actually a very pleasurable experience
being on a saddle....

At the top after a bit of fussing I managed
to get off in one piece. It is so windy at the top.
Got a new grey alpaca poncho $15(over paid). Did I mention how
much I love alpaca. Warmer and softer than
cashmere. Slept the 4 hour+ ride back to Quito.
I normally would of been in love with the view
Going though the valley of volcanoes. But I was still to upset
about my camera. At least I didn't let it completely
ruin my trip. The lagoon was so worth visiting.

Skip the markets, not worth the effort.
 

Rucu Pichincha

View from Rucu Pichinca

Woke up surprisingly early on Sunday around 8am
considering I was out dancing till 3am (finally a decent hour to close clubs
since I tend to start getting tired at that time. 2 am is too early and leaves me frustrated).
But didn't crawl out till 10am.
I like to lay in bed quietly
Just thinking or contemplating.

Had a late breakfasts at my favorite spot the Coffee Tree
Love to sit outside and they have awesome WiFi
Then I took a $3 cab ride to El TeliferiqO

El TeliferiqO is a tram or gondola ride up                                      
Cruz Loma. It takes you up to 4100m and the
start of Rucu Pichincha. You can start all the way at the bottom and
work your way to the crater.
But I figure fuck it, I'll ride up

The 8 minute ride terrifies me.
I HATE heights. ...but I do love being
high up. On a clear day you can see 12 volcanoes.
It was just all powdered blue skies and yellow sunshine

Rucu means elderly.
No one really knows the true meaning of Pichincha
since the Spaniards effectively killed off the people that spoke that lost language.
But very loosely translated taking roots from Kichwa and a few other liberties it kinda
 sorta
means from where water flows.
Since it still occasional does get a snow cap
and I assume it probably had a more permanent one at one point, fresh water used to flow down.

Kichwa is the correct spelling in Ecuador. The natives rejected the Spanish spelling Quechua. The native tribes of Ecuador are very stubborn. It took a long
and bloody war started in about 1460 by Inca Tupac (not just a rapper) Yupanqui with
200,000 Inca warriors and ending in 1496 by Inca Huayna Cápac in a very bloody massacre at
Lago Yahuarcocha.
After Huayna Cápac declared victory he ordered the death of all men capable of taking up arm. Effectively killing 30,000 men and throwing their bodies into the lake.
It turned the water into a bloody ocean.
Yahuar is blood cocha is lake.
The Incas presence was very brief in Ecuador under a hundred years before the Spaniards came
and conquered them.

Rucu Pichincha is 4,784 m (15,696 ft) above sea level
It is considered an Ultra
It is an active stratovolcano.

It is a good hike up the volcano
With a clearly marked path.
Only the crater is considered challenging.
It is bare volcanic rock and lots of it is very loose and soft

Took me two hours at a good leisurely pace to
reach the crater base.
I kept stopping to take in the breath taking vista
The air getting much cooler and brisk the higher up you go
I started out with a tank top
had to put on my alpaca sweeter and gloves
LOVE alpaca its cheap and better than cashmere
Also very breezy.

Unfortunately very dark clouds and
a slight drizzle started coming in.
I am no expert rock climber
Heck I was just very recently reminded
that I am not even a beginner rock climber
The climb is a bit challenging under idea conditions.
It would of been an hour Plus climb for me
I tend to be overly cautious and move at a snail pace
(As my dear friend likes to points out)
No way was I doing it blind.

I may be crazy but not suicidal!

Sadly I had to turn back
Wish I had gotten pictures of it on the way up when the peak was perfectly visible
But I did not want to spare the time
figure their was plenty of it on the way down

Had yummy hot chocolate that seared my soul
before making the final trek to the TeliferiqO
At that point my legs were a bit sore
Having done Cotopaxi and dancing till 3am the night before

Cotopaxi

Cotopaxi

Woke up early at around 7am
Crawled out of bed a t 7:15
And by 7:30 I was ready ....
My guide did not show up until after 8am ......
Punctuality is not an Ecuadorian forte

Beautiful day
70 degrees, sunny and baby blue sky
The Andes magnificent on either side of the
Pan American highway
They are normally covered under heavy dark clouds invisible
to the eye

You could see all the volcanoes
Pichincha, Imbabura, cayambe,
Antisana illiniza, cotopaxi, Corazon and
countless others that I cannot recall

I never realized that these were part of the Andes range
When I think of the Andes I think of Chile and Patagonia
and impossible huge snow capped tops

My aunt in Tenguel has a beautiful view of them from
her living room balcony that I have always admired
only till recently was I made aware that they were part of the range.

After a little over an hour drive we begin to enter
Parqué Nacional Cotopaxi.
The drive in is beautifully surrounded by pine trees,
chuquirahuas, pumamaquis, romerillo, and capuli.

The first stop is Laguna Limpiopungo. It
is fresh water where small different duck species live.
Not very deep at all about 50cm.
The water is considered toxic due to all the volcanic
gases so no fish live there.
Saw a beautiful golden Andean fox.
Condors used to be common but are now in danger of extinction.
Sincholagua and Rumiahui were also very visible from the lagoon.
There is a small path that leads around the lagoon.
Being there in la Sierra surrounded by the peaceful
tranquility of nature and the fresh air just
ignites and rejuvenates my soul.
It is the only time that my rational and
over analytical brain fully reaffirms my belief in God, in humanity and
most importantly myself.
This here is his church and I can hear his voice singing
within my soul.

The warm sun kissing my skin,
the fresh air filling me with life coursing threw my veins
I am just grateful
Grateful to be alive and trying to
visually experiencing everything all around me
It is so amazing that it overwhelms my senses.
It is too much to take in
All I can do is just breathing smile and pray that
my brain will be able to recall it all in my old age

Laguna Limpiopungo

Wow I am in tears just writing about it now
Hell I was in tears a few times while there too

All I could feel at that moment was
This is what I was born for
This is what life is all about
This is worth living for
It is the only thing worth dying for.
             .            .          .
You are not allowed to stray from the path, unless you want to
see frantic waving from the park ranger.
Along the path is a cold fresh water stream
I figured fuck it...
I sat down beside it and took a cool sip out of my cold
cup hand. It was sweet

I just wanted to walk on forever along the knots and hills
Unfortunately I was not alone
So we headed back to the car and began the bumpy car ride to the parking lot at 4100m above sea level.
Its like a delicate mating dance navigating on the unpaved dirt road

Glacier melting

Would LOVE to make love up on the glacier,
but that is a totally different story in need of a male protagonist....

Anyway
This is my second time hiking up Cotopaxi
The first time I was NOT acclimated and blacked out briefly in the car lot.
I went up the side of the volcano in tears
I was mad at myself because even though my body was fine. My lungs, heart and head were exploding
I was in tears before getting to the refuge
The only thing that kept me from quitting
a few yards from 4810m above sea level
was stubbornness, stupidity and shear raw anger at myself for being so weak.
 It was so bad I had to lay down
backwards feet facing the crater a few time
on the way down.
Had blood in my nose
Never even came close to the glacier.

This time I knew how bad it could be
I was not prepared for how easy it was.
We went straight up the path
It is considered harder because it is not winding up
and it is a steep incline.
I had my pink silk striped scarf wrapped around my face
My alpaca jumper with the hoodie up to keep me warm
and my huge Jackie O like white sunglasses covering my eyes.

It was a very warm day
But the assailant winds make it freezing cold
Managed to buy a pair of alpaca gloves for $3 on the way in
The wind throws small jagged rocks into your face
It makes a hail storm seem like rainbow kisses.

I had the biggest smile on my face the entire way
hidden behind my scarf and warm breath

I COULD BREATH!!!!

The top is visible 

My lungs were fine taking in the crisp mountain air
My heart ....
I couldn't feel my heart
it was not exploding out of my chest.
Occasionally I would get a little dizzy and or light headed.
All that did was remind me to slow down breath deep, relax and admire the view

This taught me the first time I went up
that being the fast or the first to make it
does NOT matter. It is just enough to make it.
It is journey that matters. After all it is not going anywhere
It had been there long before my existence and will continue
to be there long after I perish.

First time it took me over two hours.
This time I made it in one hour, stopping
a lot at my slower than a giant turtle pace

Not bad for the girl that cannot do stairs
But I can conquer mountains.

Cotopaxi is considered the third world's tallest active volcano
It is 5,897 meters above sea level
It is actually an easy mountain to climb
Great for beginners
It is considered an Ultra and is a stratovolcano
Climbing Cotopaxi is alpine F/PD grade.

Made it to the refuge
Ordered hot chocolate and I actually felt
like I could eat. So I ordered the chicken soup
It had no meat was so flavorful hot and the little
noodles are easy to digest. Cost $6.50 bit steep.
Ate my chocolate bars
The chocolate is good for hiking
I think it helps release endorphin's
Coca leaves do nothing. There is a better plant to chew on
but I forgot its name.

You can stay over night at the refuge or about $17 a night
To help acclimate and undertake the midnight hike to the crater.

After resting and squirming like a worm on a hook
I was ready to hike up to the glacier
Left the refuge and less than 50ft away I
got so dizzy I had to sit down.
I thought OMG! I do not think I can do this. I can not
do this. I wanted to run back to the refuge
Probably would have if my head was not spinning.

Instead I just sat there. Enjoying the view and
warm sun. Almost no wind. The volcano blocks it a great deal
at that point. Just another reminder
to slow down.
Cotopaxi is surrounded by red earth. It
is iron that comes out from deep within the earth
when it erupted. Their is light black volcanic rock
and even lighter gray rocks that can be used as pumice stones.

This part of the hike was very easy
You are winding up the mountain at a barely noticeable slope.
Crossed a yummy looking chocolate stream
It looked like and I joked that it belonged to Willy Wonka
And that's what they serve at the refuge

Took me 45minutes to reach the glacier
I recall the glacier being much bigger
I heard it used to begin at the refuge
Global warming is melting it fast
It will be gone completely within the next 20 years
is my unscientific guess.

That thought also brings tears to my heart
Tears of grief and sadness.

I climbed up the glacier
I laid on it
Had it rain down on me I wanted to eat it 
You could see Quito from up their.

After nearly falling into the volcano twice
I bounced into the refuge for a celebratory beer
A can of Pilsner at $2 clear over priced!
But so worth it. Kept my gloves on
in order to hold the icy can

Bounced down the mountain
And I ran back to the car.
Awestruck at the strange motion less cloud formation
ahead of me. It look like you could physically walk across it.

View just past the refuge

The ride back to Quito was still amazingly clear
Even the crater was fully visible.

Got back a little after 5
Thought about napping
Instead I went out
Devoured my I swear to God cracked filled shawarma
Ran into an acquaintance in La Plaza Foch. Had two gin and tonics (two for one $7)

And then karaoke for 3 hours
By 10PM I was in Bungalow 6 and danced non stop till 3am

It feels good to be young, carefree and in the moment

Cuyabeno

Rio Cuyabeno

Amazon not my thing....
At least not at night sleeping all alone,
With the bugs and insects and the anaconda ....
I am scared out of my mind!

Got to Lago Agrio this morning
Took a two hour ride to Cuyabeno
Then another two hour canoe ride on the river.
I was having a blast
The sun was out
the wind in my hair
and I was on the water.

Beautiful rain forests
Saw squirrel monkeys
Bunch of monkeys actually whose names
I cannot recall.
Butterflies fluttering around everywhere

Anaconda Sun bathing on branches over the river
after having just feasted
It was beautiful with orange spots on
its belly.

I swam in the Cuyabeno river
I swam in waters infested with
piranhas, caiman, giant anacondas
and lord knows what else lurks beneath
the tea tinted water.

The Cuyabeno is in the Amazon basin.
On a black river system,
with a semi floating forest.

I actually was the first one to jump in.
Took an aussie 45 min to jump in
after he realized that nothing was feeding off of me.
Everyone else was to terrified.

It rains a lot in the rainforest...
                     .                 .                    .
I am so terrified at night.
I am all alone underneath my netting
Everything is attracted to my hair
I pulled out six bees from my hair
They do not have stingers
But they definitely bite

I am fine during the day
I have no problem hiking, swimming
or touching scorpion spiders
I even caught a piranha
Mine went flying around like a kite
I yanked it out a little to hard
Beautiful fish. Didn't feel scaled
But has these big red marks
looks like its bleeding.

I had a beautiful sunset swim
not far from were I was piranhas fishing
The jungle sky is beautifully lite up after a rain storm
Spotted a few pink river dolphins today
and baby caiman

I am still to afraid to let a tarantula crawl on me
Wolf spiders not so scary, but I just leave it alone
I did pick up a scorpion spider
I love the little poisonous dart frog, red back
blue bottom and yellow legs.
Apparently it is safe to hold, its when it makes blood contact that it is deadly.
               
                               .                  .                     .

Shaman gave me yage also called ayahuasca...

Went to the village early in the morning
Met Nacho a woolly monkey
He loves to cuddle and play
A guide found him in the forest as a baby.
He was crying like a human baby,
he was lost.
The guide took him back and raised him for awhile
Now he belongs to the village.
They consider him a pest.

Also held a pocket monkey
with the most softest fur.
He has racoon stripes on his tail
and had the same coloring
I learned and made pan de yucca
Its flat in the Amazon,
pan de yucca on the coast has yeast and is so yummy

Ayahuasca is a natural hallucinogen
The shaman did a brief cleansing ritual
I actually felt good afterwards
Even a bit light headed.
All he did was wave around some plants
He told me to take the ayahuasca on an empty stomach.
He said I can concentrate on the visions I want
or just relax and random ones will come to me
Since I threw up breakfast and barely ate lunch I figured I was good to go

I spent the day drinking loads of water.
At 10PM I drank the ayahuasca
It taste like bitter tea,
like when you leave the tea bag in too long.
Felt nothing

After 20minutes
I felt sick
The ayahuasca is also a poison
So you have to get the right amount or else....
It is also medicinal
Gets ride of parasites and stuff
Works like a cleanse

I threw up violently
To the point nothing was left
Started to leave the bathroom,
when I threw up again
Thank God I only drank water and
my tummy was empty.

I started t o walk back to my friends
when I realised I barely had coordination
Like walking on crashing waves
and my limbs where jelly like
When I finally managed to sit
I would close my eyes and I can see a giant bonfire

I started to panic a little
I had no idea what I got myself into
I felt like I was vibrating
Nothing can prepare you for it

I told myself to relax
I closed my eyes and I said
"I am open to receive all good and
positive things the universe and God  wants me to receive".

I never got my visions
But I did turn into a boa
and I could hear someone or something whispering in my left ear
Also when someone started to ask me if I was okay
it started off in English and half way it was a different language

I felt like I was trembling
But my body was perfectly still

Suddenly I wanted to seduce the men at my table
I wanted the hot aussie, the Swedish guy and the frenchie was back up
Fuck it I wanted all three at the same time
I started plotting my seduction
Only problem too many bitches at the table
The had wives and girlfriends

For being out of it I was actually very lucid
It didn't cloud my thought process.
All the animals and insects became so much clearer.

At midnight it was bedtime...
Had the aussie walk me back to my hut
It was near impossible to walk on water
Unfortunately couldn't shake the girlfriend.
Funny even on hallucinogenic and horny as hell
To the point where I was plotting orgies
I am still not attracted to women.

They knew what I was up too
They started flirting with me.

I was so not prepared for that surge of sexuality
Multiple partners has never been my thing
Not even as a fantasy.

I was so wide awake and full of energy
Even at the height of the experience I wanted to just dance
under the stars.
Most people can not even move on this stuff
And get very very sick
The whole trip is "suppose" to last 4 hours

In bed I just curled up into a ball
Taking in all the music from the forest
Staring at the night sky
(Cannot view the sky from my hut)
Slept without my netting
No bugs got me!!

Was up bright and early
Just layer their
Went for breakfast
Scrambled eggs and fruit
I was starving

Breakfast came back 15min later
That was rough
I just spent the day in my hammock
curled up under my blue fleece blanket

I didn't trust myself around people
There was no way in hell
I had no intention of fucking the guides
Orgy part had run its course
But still....
Restless.....

Napped a lot
Felt good
Managed to eat just a small portion of fish.
I think it might work as an appetite suppressant too
Was not hungry all day
Did not get sick again
Guess I wasn't filled with toxins
Others that try it hate it after....

I was told I need more ayahuasca
That's why I didn't get my visions.

I left the next day
Thought about staying with the shaman a few days
But I had enough rain
I barely wore my poncho
and was bare foot 95% of the time.

Love being bare foot
I like to feel the earth beneath me
Even in the city

Took a private ride back
Cost twice the fare of the bus $7
But it got me back a few hours faster
Also didn't have to go through the control centers
We were 25kilometres from the Colombian boarder
It is very dangerous and they try to smuggle in drugs.

Apparently the military  likes to strip search beautiful women
But if you tell them you are pregnant no one touches you.

We drove through cloud forest
So hauntingly beautiful
Saw waterfalls everywhere was just breath taking
We got to be on either side of the Andes
And reached the highest peak of the pan American highway

Got back into Quito around 9PM
By 915PM I was freshly showered
and out on the town ready to dance. 

Map of Ecuador with el Cuyabeno marked

Map of el Cuyabeno

Not Under The Same Moon

I miss the sky
My New York sky.

I miss staring up at the big dipper
the little dipper
and orions belt.

They have always been there
comforting me.
Reminding me that I am home

Instead I find myself staring up
into the heavens
and I feel lost.

What is this strange new sky?
Nothing is where it is suppose to be
It is all chaos.
So many new constellations,
nothing is in the right place.

I am all alone among a vast field of diamonds in the night sky

It is beautiful this alien sky,
making me feel confused.
Where am I in the world?
Where do I belong?
Have I strayed that far far away from
what I know .....
all I know.....

Have I ever really belonged there?
or anywhere?

La Isla de la Plata

The Beach at Puerto Lopez

Woke up tired this morning.
I did not want to go on my tour today.
But I rolled out of bed, brushed my teeth and ran out the door

As I was walking along the beach this morning, I noticed that the sun was finally shining
It's been cloudy and overcast since Saturday
Got into town with 20 minutes to spare
So I ordered bread with jam and butter and fresh raspberry juice

As I sat down to eat when it appears as if all the wasps in town
were circling me and they kept landing on my arms
Suddenly I felt something very different land on my left shoulder
It was a black and green butterfly

This is the second time this year that a butterfly had landed on me
I wanted to take a picture, but I was afraid to disturb it
So I just continued eating
I took it as a good omen for the day
Also to mean that I was tranquil and at peace
And it stayed on my shoulder for 15 minutes
It finally flew away when I made a move for my camera

So off I went in a van with a bunch of strangers
to Puerto Lopez
The town itself is not much to look at
But the beach is interesting
Lots of blue and green fishing boats
Waded across the water to get on my boat
The water was a beautiful turquoise blue
I sat in the back by the motors
basking in the sun

I love being on the water
It gives me a great sense of freedom and tranquility
The fresh air
The wind filling my lungs and water spraying face
The sun over head and glistening golden on the water
The taste of my salty lips
The exhilarating speed and turbulence of the water
It just makes me feel care free and alive
My mind just clears and there I am in the moment
I am blissful and at peace
I feel closer to God
Can almost hear him...
But the motors are too loud

Suddenly I see something
Its grayish black and in the water
Then a fin
Suddenly it goes up and then dives down
My first whale!
I saw the head then the body curves in an arch and finally the tail as it goes back under

Then another whale
This one came up with its white striped belly up doing a back flip
It was so beautiful
I felt overwhelmed and elated with emotions
I wanted to cry

Then another whale was swimming along side us
Then a pair of whales together
Suddenly a trio appeared
They where so close about five meters away
Then next to me four whales about two meters away swimming next to the boat
going up and down, up and down
They move with a lot of speed and grace like synchronized swimmers
I wanted to touch one, and feel their skin it looked so smooth

They where humpback whales
They start coming around this time of year
The guide said on a very very rare occasion you might spot an Orca

Took over an hour and a half to reach the island
When we got there the water was a beautiful light blue

That is when I saw this huge turtle
Several turtles, they are Pacific green sea turtles
I have never seen anything like it
They are so beautiful
They tossed lettuce from the boat and the turtles eat it up
Then they go all around and under the boat
They looked like they were about my size is if I where to curl up into a ball
Maybe even bigger

The island was beautiful
It was still green because they had a lot of rain over the winter
The island starts to go dry and lose its leaves like winter around this time of year
Which makes bird watching easier
But since the foliage is in the way we were limited in the kind of birds we could view
They start to mate now and pair up
They use the same path we do to gather things for their nest
They all build their nest on the ground
There aren't a lot of trees mostly bushes and a even a few evergreens
Saw a beautiful giant cactus

We had a few paths to choose from
I initially wanted to do the longer path because I love trekking
But then I would only get 30 minutes to snorkel
and it was blazing hot out
I haven't even started walking and already I was covered in sweat
I picked the shortest path which meant I would snorkel in two spots instead of one
Besides I am not really into bird watching
I just like to admire the scenery

My group set off
The beginning was the hardest part because we had to climb some really steep steps
I always forget to breathe
So I was panting heavily, which I hate to do
because then it appears that I might be tired which I never am.
Then we reached an overlook
Beautiful cliffs and the sea crashing below
It was so beautiful, and the cool breeze was amazing against my hot toasty skin
I got to taste and smell white grapes
It was not sweet and felt sticky, almost dry in my mouth even though
it was juicy like regular grapes.
Apparently school kids use it as glue or hair gel, just mix with water
And if you eat to many like 6 or 7 then its a laxative

Along the path I saw little fat yellow hummingbirds
Blue footed boobies, and tropical birds
But what I fell in love with was the view

Blue sky
Crystal clear waters
And the waves crashing against the cliff
I just wanted to climb down and lay on the golden sand
and swim in the sea forever

Back on the boat we went to our first dive spot
I just love how people assume I cannot do something
Or think I need help all the time
I must come off as fragile, helpless or dimwitted
I sat at the edge of the boat by the engine with my legs in the water
One of the giant turtles swam by and was coming towards me
I was told it would bite my toes if I did not get my feet out
I assume that might be painful
even though the turtle did not have one of those turned down snapping mouths

After I assured everyone that I CAN swim
I dove into the warm turquoise water

I love snorkeling
Saw the most beautiful fishes
Million of shapes and colours
Saw some serpent shaped ones with bright yellow ends and blue bodies
School of purple and blue small fishes
Beautiful coral reefs
And then suddenly a Pacific green sea turtle
We swam together for a while
Or at least I was stalking it

I had my head down for a full hour
Just kicking with my feet
my arms to my side mostly
Took me a few minutes to fully relax and take long even breaths through the tube
Once I was done I tossed the mask and tube onto the boat
and just floated around in the water basking in the bright sun

Back on the boat I was told I could go on top of it
So I climbed up and just Sun bath
The crew all took turns staring at me
I was the youngest on board and in a tiny bikini
One of them even said "aqui hay una reina"
The upside of being the damsel in distress is that people wait on you hand and foot
I lunched on a delicious cheese, tomato and cucumber sandwich and washed it down with yummy coke. Don't know why soda taste so good after swimming in the sea

Then we took off to go pick up the others who did the long hike
I just laid out on top with my eyes mostly closed
Languid

The second spot was deeper
And not as bright since the sun was just beginning to set
I made the right choice in taking the shorter walk
The second spot has nothing to see
Some coral far off to the bottom and a jelly fish or two

The current was very strong here
The more I tried to go in one direction the further back it took me
I was getting very tired very fast and getting nowhere
Felt like I was going in a circle
I could not get back the boat  
Finally someone came out with the round life preserver
I managed to swim the two meters to get it and then they pulled us in
Five more had to be pulled in, in the same manner

Back on the boat we started to head back
I sat looking back at the golden Sun setting and illuminating the island
It was so beautiful
The sky with the clouds looked multidimensional
Spotted more whales
Saw a pair with the water coming out of their blow holes spraying into the air

I kept sticking my hand in the warm water
Feeling it hit my hand
the same way I like to catch the breeze when I am in a car

I just let my mind go free
Sitting on the edge by the motors
I could feel their vibration under me
The heavy rocking of the waves
I was peaceful
My mind was quite and still
I just took in deep breaths
and thank God for letting me feel alive and serene

Puerto Lopez is beautiful in the sunset
The water is golden and the boats are illuminated beautifully
as the red sun sets into the ocean
Everything looked so magical

We got back in around 6:30 PM
And took an hour in a private car back to Montañita
Almost saw a complete rainbow
a cloud was covering the top arch
It was so bright and big
The perfect ending to a magical day

I can still feel the waves and the ocean inside of my body as I lay in bed
 

Coco Loco and Surfing

Coco Loco
-Fresh coconut diced
-Condensed milk
-3 shots of rum or vodka (or more)
-Add ice
-Sugar
-Blend
-Serve in a coconut

Beautiful beach day.
Had breakfast
Lounged around in a hammock till I got to hot
Then went for a swim in warm water
Came out feeling like a million mosquitoes bit me
....... which they did.....

But it turns out it was jelly fish
Very tiny blue jelly fish
The guy said they are blue and thread like
Went for a walk along the base of a cliff 
with a Rottweiler for company
Found a cool cave, but couldn't explore since the tide started coming in
and I didn't care to experience having my body slammed against the rocks at the base of the cliff

Headed into town for lunch
Had fresh fish, some meat soup that I refuse to eat and fresh lemonade for $3 (over priced kinda yucky)
Then played a few rounds of pool
Won 2 games and had a very impressive combo shot that sunk 3 balls
Then had or tried to have a second lunch
Another meat soup, tasted mostly like corn and water
That I managed to eat about a quarter of
And then steak with egg fried rice
Had three bites and then I just couldn't do it anymore
My throat would close up and activate my gag reflexes

It wasn't bad

I just couldn't physically eat it
Washed it down with fresh raspberry juice that was so water down,
it tasted like generic cool aid
Second lunch was only $1.50

Found a surf instructor
Two hours $20
Three time national champion
I figure I should be a natural
I'll be riding the waves in no time
Looks easy enough
He gave me a quick course on the beach
How to hold on, swim and hop on
How to avoid other surfers and swimmer
And most importantly how not to hit my head on the board and kill myself when I go under

Swam out

Managed to get on board
Tried to swim, wasn't prepared for how fast it goes
Then hopped off before getting too close to shore

Swam out

Got on board
Swam
Managed to get one foot on then fell off

Swam out

Got on board
Swam
Almost got both feet up
Then fell off and saw the board above me
Good thing I listened or I would of hit my head

Swam out

Waves were really rough and coming close together
Got on

My instructor said most people take lessons for a week and never get on the board (I think he was just being nice)
Swam got both feet on and fell off
Went under
Board was over my head
Had to push it away with my arm before I could come up
I was done

Still had 15 min left, but I was exhausted and half drowned
Only flashed the beach twice
All in all not bad for my first time ever....but not great either...certainly nothing worth bragging about
I need to get into better shape and keep practising
My instructor said it was the wrong time of day
We went out at 4 PM The waves were too strong and violent
He said 2PM was the ideal time that day
Next time I need to notify him early and he will let me know what time the surf is right
I just crashed on my hammock

I can still feel the ocean inside of me

Showered, dolled myself up and I went out
I was going to dance
Strolled into town
Checking out the artisans and and the vibe
Ran into my writer friend
Meet him on the bus on the way here
He's from Cuenca
We walked together and he treated me to an empanada capresse, yummy for $1

Ran into my Dr friends
This place is so small you couldn't get lost even if you tried
Went to a restaurant because the band was playing a sick version of "No woman, no cry"
They jammed out to everything from reggae to salsa
I just sat back enjoying my large Pilsner $2.50 (overpriced) and watching this beautiful black man salsa
His body was fluid like a jelly fish

I need to work on being more jelly like...

For $3 from the street bar vendors I got my first coco loco
Heaven in a very big cup
"Let me know if you need more vodka"
As I took a sip
"I can always use more vodka"
He free poured two more shots in....

Went to "Nativa Bambu"
They had the loudest and best music coming out of the dance floor above
The club is on a second story and it is open and overlooking the ocean
It is packed
And I am hot in a micro mini dress
Everyone was dancing in pairs
Almost no woman goes out alone in Ecuador
I just close my eyes and feel the beat
I can shake my hips better than the most accomplised belly dancers
Ended up with several dance partners

I was soaking in sweat
My hair was drenched
I was carefree and in love with the beat

I got to dance
I cannot dance unless I feel the music in my soul
I haven't been able to feel it in a long time
Been unblocking and shedding several layers
Decided to call it an early night

Walked back on the beach
Lots of people near the town on the beach having a good time
Drinking laughing
Running along the shore
Its been overcast so haven't see any stars
But I noticed these fish that jump out of the water
Looks like lightning but curved like a comet
Everything just feels magical
I am just grateful to feel alive and tranquil

In bed by 3am
Asleep by 3:07 am

Up the coast

Finally took the three hour bus ride up to Montañita
Napped most of the way
Had no idea where I was going to stay
All I knew is that I wanted an ocean view

Ended up meeting two guys
Med students staying in Cuenca
One was from LA the other London
We wondered up and down the beach looking for a place to stay
Lots of vacancies

Finally found the perfect spot
Sole Mare
On the beach
Away from the main strip
In la punta
Great vibe

We went off in search of food
The sun setting into the ocean behind me
Found a good Mediterranean place
Had the lobster special with a three cheese sauce, came with fries,rice and salad.
Washed it down with a Pilsner

Music coming from all directions
This place has a big bohemian atmosphere
Everyone is just loose and carefree
Music and musicians everywhere
Impromptu jam sessions on the streets
And loud disco beats that rival my heart beat
Hippy toddlers with their long blonde hair dancing in the streets

I feel calm and serene
I am happy.

me

I've been gone for half a month now.
I haven't started my adventure yet.
I've stayed with relatives.
I realize just a moment ago,
that I haven't started because for the first time in my life I feel free.

I have no pressure.
No one makes demands on me,
I am allowed to do what I want.
Sleep in as late as I want and nothing is expected of me.

I can be myself.

I actually believe they care about.
They might even love me.
I haven't left because I've been soaking it up.
I need to be loved and cared for.
No one has ever done that.
I have always been alone.

I trust them.
They might not understand me,
and that's okay.
I don't understand me.

I have spent so much time protecting myself and building up defenses that I lost myself a
long time ago.
It is almost impossible for me to full trust anyone.
I have thought out the years shed off a lot of armour.
But in my core I have never and I might not ever be able to fully trust.

I have almost never felt loved by my parents.
I know rationally that they loved me and they did what was best at the time until the present.
Perhaps I was too needy as a child.
But then I learned to shut people out to the point that if they did show any love or affection( my parents ) I completely reject it.
I rejected to the point that I to this day cannot even eat the food my mother makes.
I cannot receive a hug from her.
I cannot say I love you to my own mother.
And sadly this applies to my brother.

I spent my entire life "controlled" by my brother.
They did not know how to handle the situation with my brother and they sure as hell did not know how to handle me.
I was verbally and physically abused on almost a daily bases until I left when I was 24.
I have to a great extent come to terms with it.
Which is why I barely discuss it know I have let go of a great deal of it,
but it is the emotional elements that I need to resolved.
I have never felt loved and anyone I have ever trusted has always hurt me or let me down,
I let myself down.

My entire life I have always been used by everyone around me.
Now I am at a place where nothing is expected of me.
No one is trying to hurt me or use me.
They know that I've been "damaged" (that's how my cousin S husband puts it).

They love me and care about me.
Yes I know that I have a lot of anger inside of me.
I need to discover who I am.
I need to find my voice.

I honestly have no idea how to talk about myself or about my emotions.
I need to learn to stand up for myself in a totally new way.
I have fought my whole life to be allowed to make decisions for myself,
to have friends,
to go outside,
to live my life the way I want.

I can for the first time ever see that that is Actually possible.
Like I kinda understood it for a while now but haven't fully grasped the concept.
I left a bad situation behind.
I was severely depressed to the point that I stopped functioning.
I stopped going to work.
I didn't go out.
I just sat there on the couch for days doing nothing.
If it wasn't for my friend asking to the movies
I might still just be sitting waiting to die.
That's when I knew I had to leave.

I was sitting at the movies and I swear it was like I heard a voice that said "GO" .
Less than a few days later I was gone.
Then I was in a bad situation because I could not speak up for myself.
That taught me a lot about myself.
I'm grateful for that lesson.
It is a step in the right direction
But I am stagnant now
I need to make a decision
I just need to pick a direction and GO

"El Paraíso, Las cascadas de Manuel"

Headed out yesterday for a one day hiking camping trip
It was a long 10km hike up a mountain
I was wearing my heavy pack
And the sun was blazing hot

Got to walk along beautiful banana farms
That turned into cacao trees and eventually
the sweet scent of guayaba near the top

Beautiful butterflies and insects everywhere I looked
Everything was so lush and green
You could hear the rustling of water all around

I was hot
And aching
But not tired
Just in pain

Especially the last push to the camp ground was the steepest and hardest rocky road
Right before that last bend the road is covered in this beautiful blue green rock.
Beautifully surrounded by red earth

When you finally reach Don Manuel's house
You have to go up a stairway to the campground where you can pitch your tent
I finally got my pack off
And hurried to set up before the sunset

With flashlight in hand I set off to the third waterfall
Going down a rocky path and to the sound of rushing water
Every muscle aching
My leg muscles tremble if I try to stand still
All I kept thinking about was the cool water
I needed it to wash away the sweat and fatigue
It was so beautiful
The white rapids coming up like clouds in the mist

I go in
I hesitate
But continue to go further in
I am afraid of the water in the dark
Cannot see what is under the surface
Not knowing what is underneath terrifies me

The last red rays of light quickly disappearing behind me
From growing up in the city I have almost no night vision
The water felt cool and refreshing
It only came up to my waist
So I duck under the cool surface
Love the way it refreshes my body
Washing the salt off my body

Climbing back was almost impossible
My leg muscles were failing me and my back was killing me
But I was hungry

Had delicious fried tilapia that was caught fresh from the stream
A few cold beers
I was happy

Don Manuel had set up a blazing bon fire near my tent
I sat by it enjoying all the constellations
You can almost make out the milky way
What was even more spectacular
Was the show the fireflies were putting on
It looked like headlights going on and off in the forest behind the trees
Fell asleep with tales of forest fairies and buendes swirling in my head

Breakfast was ground plantains with cheese and a fried egg
The yoke was almost orange
Started the day at the first waterfall called la mariposa
and I worked my way up to the eighth one

They were fairly easy hikes
Each one leading up to the next one
To reach the eight one you need to used a rope that is tied up like a rail
I grabbed it and tried to use it to pull myself up
Instead I barely managed to get my second hand on it
The rope was coming towards me
I was sliding off the rock had both feet dangling before I finally caught myself
The rope had a lot of slack
Had mistakenly thought it was taunt

There are more waterfalls in the mountain
But you need a guide
Saw beautiful black hummingbirds and butterflies everywhere
It was early so I had all the falls to myself
After bathing in all of them I went back to pack up the camp
and begin the 10kilometre hike back down the mountain

It was much easier walking down
But my feet were killing me
I had used my water shoes to hike up to the waterfall
And in the process smashed up my toes
Had at least two blisters

On the way down I snacked on a guayaba picked fresh off a tree
I saw four tulcans resting in the trees before flying off
It is rare to spot them because they tend to live in the Amazon

When I finally made it back to the main road
The sun was blazing over head
Got a little sun burn waiting for the right bus to come by
I enjoy the ride back
Beautiful vistas of the mountains and plantations

When I finally got back
I almost didn't make it off the bus
All my muscles had tighten and stiffen up
I couldn't move
Who knew that getting off the bus would be the hardest
Part of my journey

Drinking and Driving

Caught my first fish today!
Also my only fish.
My cousin D and his friends took me fishing today.
It was a hot and sunny day.

We drove to a private property
that is currently being disputed by some heirs.
Apparently it has gotten violent.
After the guards checked us for weapons
we were given free passage. 
Besides I do believe machine guns are not
meant for catching fish.

The property used to be lush mangroves 
Now it is pools for shrimp.
Almost all the mangroves in Ecuador are gone.
They were cleared out for shrimp.
Shrimp is a major export in Ecuador.

Fishing here is welcomed by the owners.
The fish eat the shrimp. There are also  these
huge bright blue crabs called gibas supposedly tasty
They too are shrimp eaters.

Ironically our bait was shrimp that we
had picked up at the market earlier.
I was given some nylon with a hook attached
to the end of it. My cousin had a cool looking rod.
My ego was not pleased.

After someone attached the shrimp to my hook
I tossed in my line. After a few minutes I felt a tug!
It must be the worlds biggest fish. Couldn't get it out.
Finally near the shore I see it...
It's a huge giba eating my shrimp.
Turns out I am an excellent giba feeder.

After an hour of me roasting in the sun
I decided to switch sides.
Tossed in my line and bang!
I caught a bite
It was a fish.
I reeled it in. It was beautiful and silver
My cousin placed it in a net back in the water
Where a giba proceeded to eat it....

They must grow the worlds biggest shrimp
All the ones we caught for bait were bigger than
my forearm. As the sun began to set I noticed
4 mosquitoes on my leg. I reapplied repellent
only to get swarmed by a black cloud of mosquitoes
They got me through my cloths!
My cousin said these have not be domesticated yet
Fishing was officially over.

Back at the house my cousin P invited me out for drinks
We were going clubbing with some friends
Got picked up in a new car that had a blue
light under it. Inside it had a TV in the front.
I was handed a can of Budweiser, everyone was drinking
Budweiser including the driver. People on motorcycle
where whizzing past us in all directions
Apparently traffic laws do not exist in Tenguel.
Felt like I was in American Graffiti
I just leaned back, fastened my seat belt
and enjoyed the ride.
Pitt Bull's Tonight was blaring, my cousin
kept yelling from the back seat to slow down
I had the wind in my hair and not a care in the world,
As we speed down unlite country roads.
Besides we were only doing 145 kilometers
That's not fast right?

" Excuse me And I might drink a little more than I should tonight And I might take you home with me, if I could tonight And, baby, Ima make you feel so good, tonight Cause we might not get tomorrow

Tonight I want all of you tonight Give me everything tonight For all we know we might not get tomorrow Let's do it tonight".

Finding my voice

I thought my journey would not begin until after I left the states
But no matter where I am or where I go
I can never get away from myself
I just spent some of the most loneliest days of my life

All because I cannot express myself
I have never been able to express my feelings
for a long time i had no feelings or emotions
I used to be very defensive
I was so bad I could not remember what I said
I was just on autopilot

I hold everything in
I want to speak
but i cannot find the words
they do not form
they get trapped inside of me
i do not even know what to say
or how to say it
It is so bad that it actually hurts me physically
it is like a small metal spiky ball that gets lodged in the back of my throat
all the words i ever wanted to say
all the feelings i have never been able to express
Trapped in my body

My inability to speak up for myself allows people to miss treat me
It gives them power over me
It breaks my spirit and drives me even further into a downward spiralling abyss of silence

I matter
I am important.
I am filled with love and light.
I am enough.

I love myself and I am filled with God's love
That is enough....

Few days ago when I started this post I was with someone that had power over me.
Because I empowered him
I gave him all this power over me
All because I could not say NO
No you cannot treat me this way
No I deserve respect
NO

I just gave in without a fight
What does that say about me ?