me

I've been gone for half a month now.
I haven't started my adventure yet.
I've stayed with relatives.
I realize just a moment ago,
that I haven't started because for the first time in my life I feel free.

I have no pressure.
No one makes demands on me,
I am allowed to do what I want.
Sleep in as late as I want and nothing is expected of me.

I can be myself.

I actually believe they care about.
They might even love me.
I haven't left because I've been soaking it up.
I need to be loved and cared for.
No one has ever done that.
I have always been alone.

I trust them.
They might not understand me,
and that's okay.
I don't understand me.

I have spent so much time protecting myself and building up defenses that I lost myself a
long time ago.
It is almost impossible for me to full trust anyone.
I have thought out the years shed off a lot of armour.
But in my core I have never and I might not ever be able to fully trust.

I have almost never felt loved by my parents.
I know rationally that they loved me and they did what was best at the time until the present.
Perhaps I was too needy as a child.
But then I learned to shut people out to the point that if they did show any love or affection( my parents ) I completely reject it.
I rejected to the point that I to this day cannot even eat the food my mother makes.
I cannot receive a hug from her.
I cannot say I love you to my own mother.
And sadly this applies to my brother.

I spent my entire life "controlled" by my brother.
They did not know how to handle the situation with my brother and they sure as hell did not know how to handle me.
I was verbally and physically abused on almost a daily bases until I left when I was 24.
I have to a great extent come to terms with it.
Which is why I barely discuss it know I have let go of a great deal of it,
but it is the emotional elements that I need to resolved.
I have never felt loved and anyone I have ever trusted has always hurt me or let me down,
I let myself down.

My entire life I have always been used by everyone around me.
Now I am at a place where nothing is expected of me.
No one is trying to hurt me or use me.
They know that I've been "damaged" (that's how my cousin S husband puts it).

They love me and care about me.
Yes I know that I have a lot of anger inside of me.
I need to discover who I am.
I need to find my voice.

I honestly have no idea how to talk about myself or about my emotions.
I need to learn to stand up for myself in a totally new way.
I have fought my whole life to be allowed to make decisions for myself,
to have friends,
to go outside,
to live my life the way I want.

I can for the first time ever see that that is Actually possible.
Like I kinda understood it for a while now but haven't fully grasped the concept.
I left a bad situation behind.
I was severely depressed to the point that I stopped functioning.
I stopped going to work.
I didn't go out.
I just sat there on the couch for days doing nothing.
If it wasn't for my friend asking to the movies
I might still just be sitting waiting to die.
That's when I knew I had to leave.

I was sitting at the movies and I swear it was like I heard a voice that said "GO" .
Less than a few days later I was gone.
Then I was in a bad situation because I could not speak up for myself.
That taught me a lot about myself.
I'm grateful for that lesson.
It is a step in the right direction
But I am stagnant now
I need to make a decision
I just need to pick a direction and GO