Me....

I have been out of the country for two months now.
Done a lot.
But not enough.

Still trying to figure out what it is that
I want out of life.
What do I need?
And what do I need to do to get there....

For the first time in my entire life
I am happy
I feel young
carefree
not lonely.

It's just me.

       
I am getting ready to head up the coast again
This time I am going to Colombia
I miss being in the valley of volcanoes
But the call of the ocean is too much for me to resist.
Besides I want to try and capture
some of the images I lost along the way.

I have freckles scattered across my nose now.
Always wanted freckles.....
They make me happy.

I keep wondering if I will ever be with someone.
Everyone seems to be paired up
except me.

Will that ever happen for me?

Do I even want that?

Miss holding hands
Kissing
Just laying in bed all day doing nothing
but making love and the crossword.

Am I meant to have a happily ever after? 

I rather be a me than a we if it means settling

I want the fairy tail
Or do I?....

I just need to keep moving.

Lots of guys hit on me
But basically if they are my age
they are already married, with kids and a girlfriend.
I am not looking for that,
be awful to allow myself to be lied too.

I just want honesty.
I have to learn to be honest with myself
first.

One of my dearest friend's said "You are
brave it is a quality that makes you attractive".

In reality I am terrified of everything,
everyone, including myself.

Fear is the devil.

I will conquer my fears.
I rather face them myself
than to die a thousand deaths.

I am slow and overly cautious.

But I rather make it to the mountain top
at my snail pace than not make it at all.
I am learning that not everything is a race.
I don't have to be the first one to the top
I just have to make it eventually
and stopping for the view every once in awhile
while finally being in the moment
feeling the air going in and out of my lungs
and into my bloodstream,
while the sun kisses my skin and
the wind carries my hair
is pure bliss
It sets my soul ablaze
It brings me in communion with God.
It brings me peace. 

I just have to trust that I am in control
of my destiny and if I keep working on bettering
myself, physically, mentally, emotionally and
intellectually, then it will happen for me.

One day